Withdrawal Symptom: An"hell"donia

Total Anhedonia: The Hardest Experience of My Life

I’m going to be completely honest—total anhedonia is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. I’ve endured both physical and emotional pain that most people haven’t, but the inability to feel anything positive for months on end is starting to truly break me. And I consider myself a tough, reasonable person.

My brain keeps trying to “solve the problem.” Every day, new thoughts arise about how I might feel something again. Lately, I’ve even found myself wondering what kind of street drug might let me feel good—just for an hour. I’ve never used drugs before. Other times, I imagine getting on a plane and disappearing for a while, thinking maybe that would make me feel something—anything. Would I feel the desire to come back? Because even the longing to return might spark a positive emotion. My mind constantly invents scenarios in a desperate attempt to feel good, even if it means doing something irrational or self-destructive.

This Isn’t “Normal” Depression

When most people think of depression, they picture sadness or feeling low. In my past experiences, depression meant dark thoughts, frequent crying, and deep hopelessness—but there were still brief moments of relief between the sadness. I never realized how much I took those moments for granted until they were gone.

Now, I feel no joy, contentment, or pleasure—none. I don’t even desire anything anymore. Someone could hand me a billion dollars, and I probably wouldn’t react. If I can’t feel anything good or worthwhile, what’s the point of having money? I’d probably give it away, just so someone else could experience joy, even if I can’t.

If only the inability to feel good came with the inability to feel bad. But that’s not how it works. I still feel dread, anxiety, restlessness, and grief—constantly.

I know this is probably still part of withdrawal, but I can’t control how my brain is handling it. I’m a little scared of what might come next. Feeling only negative emotions, all the time, is becoming unbearable, and I can sense myself starting to detach from logic and reason.

I’m just so, so tired. I need this to end.