Update 9/30/25

After realizing the last nine months of my state of mind going through withdrawal isn't sustainable, I started considering two newer options. They both scare me, but also could help me get back to some sort of functional level, without going back on (or increasing the dose) of SSRI's. There's currently no information regarding whether they will help with withdrawal induced by antidepressants, so I feel like a guinea pig on some level. But in theory, it might help, and tt could help a lot. They two treatments are dTMS (Deep Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) and Ketamine infusions. They scare me for very different reasons.

Ketamine scares me for a few reasons, but the scariest one is because it creates a dissociative state. I don't know how my brain will react to this state. I'm almost positive I will panic if I feel "out of body" or not in complete control of my faculties. The only way tot know how you will react is to try it. There's no test to take that will determine how you feel or react. But the psychiatrist I spoke to told me that the people who do the worst are usually the people who have built strong walls and rigid thinking patterns from previous trauma or PTSD. This didn't make me feel better at all. I have more questions before I am 100% on board with this, and would request the lowest dose possible for the first session to make sure I am not one of those people who will panic.

dTMS scares me because it is actually messing with the brain's neuroplasticity. But that's also the whole point. Increasing blood flow and action in the parts of the brain that need to heal. The drawback here is that it's a pretty insane time commitment. Eight weeks of daily treatments! But the payoff could be huge. And it could give me my life back quicker than if I don't do it, and I've already spent nine months of my life going through something miserable. So it's a serious consideration.

I have begun the screening process for both of these options. They can also be used together, or separate. It's scary, but doing nothing is also very scary. I wish there was some magical supplement to speed up the process of finding equilibrium and coming out of the withdrawal funk, but there just isn't. I am willing to try other things at this point in order to avoid reinstating drugs that I know have harmed me, and are next to impossible to quit.

I can't wait until I can sit down and write a post about how this is all behind me. When I can look back on it as something else hard that I got through, rather than something I'm currently going through. I look forward to the day I can tell my past self "See, I told you it was temporary! Things eventually DID get better!"

Another hope I have is that if either of these things ends up helping me going through the withdrawal process, I can then share my story. Because I know the level of pain so many other people are going through while being told they have to just "wait it out" or "only time will heal". I understand the amount of hopelessness that brings to someone in the throws of it. Those are the times I have wanted to give up the most.