Update 9/30/25

Facing the Next Step: Ketamine and dTMS

After realizing that the last nine months of living in an SSRI withdrawal state isn’t sustainable, I began exploring two newer treatment options. Both scare me — but both could also help me reach a functional level again, without returning to or increasing my antidepressant dose.

There’s no definitive research on whether these treatments help with antidepressant withdrawal specifically, so I feel a bit like a guinea pig. But in theory, they might help — and possibly help a lot. The two treatments are dTMS (Deep Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) and Ketamine infusions. They each come with their own set of fears.

Why Ketamine Scares Me

Ketamine worries me for several reasons, but the biggest one is that it induces a dissociative state. I don’t know how my brain will react to that. I’m almost certain I’ll panic if I start to feel “out of body” or lose control of my awareness.

The only way to know how someone will react to Ketamine is to try it — there’s no way to predict it through a test or screening. My psychiatrist mentioned that the people who tend to struggle the most during treatment are those who have built strong emotional walls or rigid thinking patterns, often due to trauma or PTSD. That comment didn’t exactly ease my mind.

Before committing, I plan to ask more questions and request the lowest possible dose for my first session. I need to see how my body and mind respond before fully diving in.

Why dTMS Scares Me

dTMS is intimidating for a completely different reason. It directly alters neuroplasticity, changing the way the brain communicates with itself — which is both the risk and the reward. The goal is to increase blood flow and activation in the areas that need to heal.

The biggest drawback is the time commitment: eight weeks of daily treatments. It’s a lot. But if it helps me recover faster — if it gives me my life back — it could be worth it. After nine long months of misery, I’m ready to do what it takes to move forward.

The Screening and the Wait

I’ve begun the screening process for both Ketamine and dTMS. They can be done separately or together, depending on how my body responds. It’s frightening, but doing nothing is even more frightening.

I wish there were some kind of magical supplement to help the brain find balance again — something to speed up this rebalancing process — but there isn’t. At this point, I’m willing to try what’s available to avoid reinstating medications that harmed me and are nearly impossible to quit.

Looking Forward

I can’t wait for the day I can sit down and write a post about how all of this is behind me — when I can look back and say, “That was hard, but I made it through.”

I look forward to telling my past self, “See? I told you it was temporary. Things really did get better.”

If either of these treatments helps, I want to share my story — not just for myself, but for others stuck in the same cycle of waiting, suffering, and being told to “just give it time.” I know what that hopelessness feels like. I’ve been there — in those moments when giving up felt easier than enduring one more day.

But maybe — hopefully — this will be the turning point.