Ready or Not, Here I Go

After a recent long-term, close friendship ended, I’ve found it difficult to share anything publicly — even here, anonymously. The hurt cut deep, especially at a time when I really needed support, and it’s left a lasting impact. Trying to process that loss while in the throes of SSRI withdrawal and making major decisions about my health has felt overwhelming at times.

After a lot of research and soul-searching, I’ve decided to move forward with Ketamine and TMS therapy. My first TMS session is scheduled for October 22nd, and my first Ketamine session for October 27th. Thankfully, my insurance is covering it, and since I’ve already met my high deductible, it feels like now or never.

I’ll admit — I have some real fears about the Ketamine. It’s known to make the brain more “receptive” or “pliable,” helping form new neural pathways. That’s what makes it so effective, but it’s also what makes me nervous. What if something traumatic happens while my brain is in that state? Could those experiences be magnified? Could my brain make bad connections instead of good ones?

The last two years have felt like one trauma after another, and I often find myself waiting for the next shoe to drop. Can I really go eight whole weeks without something else going wrong? I sure hope so — but it’s hard not to have doubts.

Still, I’m doing what I can to prepare. I’m focusing on my nutrition, listening to self-help and trauma recovery books, and keeping my distance from anyone who might bring unnecessary hurt or drama into my life. I’m learning to prioritize my emotional well-being — and to stop feeling selfish for doing so. Healing has to come first now. Any true friend will understand that.

I don’t know exactly where this journey will lead, but I’m ready to find out.
Ready or not, here I go.